The Con Job: Mutual Participation | theremustbeawayout's Blog

Me:  [playing a riff I just picked up]

H:    [Pays me a compliment]

Selective memory comes into play.  Next I hear:

H:    [you need x to make it sound better]

So the sum total I heard was a compliment that was then immediately taken away.  Maybe 15 min. go by.  We converse about other things.  Then I question H about this "Here's a Compliment that You Don't Deserve" dynamic.  Asked if he could consider separating the two comments by some real time.  H. says that I said something after the compliment that caused him to then offer advice about why I'm not good at it.

Replay memory.

Ah, yes.  I was happy to receive a compliment.  Not a frequent recipient in the topic under discussion.  Actually, rather touchy about this topic.   [insert unnecessary backstory] .  I wanted to bask in the compliment for a bit.  So I then said:  "Thanks!  I'll need to do Q to make it better, though."  Replayed the more accurate verbatim with H.  I could see how he would then be prompted to offer his version of what I would need to improve.  We discussed how this played out, I told him that I had wanted to enjoy his compliment. We talked a little more, he drew out his compliment in an authentic way, I felt I had received the sunny stroke from genuine admiration.  Done.

This does not negate the fact that H *frequently* offers the "Compliment/Slam" combination.  It doesn't negate the fact that I am needy on the topic of my music.  Or that I engaged in self-deprecating words to hear a little more positive feedback.